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Hi! Woof. This … is BARKING MEDIA.
Who the hell am I? Hard to explain. Random unscripted non-SEO-friendly ("SEO experts!" ya kiddin' me, right?) stream of consciousness things that I do ... or enjoy doing, or am already enjoying doing, or will soon be enjoying, or have done, or have done to death.
I'd like to be (or maybe I am already) an e-publisher of worthy overlooked bloggers. Specifically, those who write brilliant engaging delightful WTF humor bits or are possessed of an off-the-wall wit and just need some help getting it together.
I'm an avid reader of such writings. I also enjoy reading Amazon reviews in which the illiterati "one-star, half if I could" REVIEW THE WRONG BOOK. Always amusing!
Sometimes, too, a thoughtful reviewer will leave scathing remarks about a book though their entire review "history" is, upon inspection, seven or eight years of evaluating plastic spoons and depilatories they have purchased. (Five stars for those.) I read, too, sometimes, the enormous Library of Congress sized repository of You Tube comments (the white papers of our time). I repeat these pearls in my own letters and have had them featured in a few upscale magazines and journals over the years. It's not stealing if you mock it.
I write my own (far as I know) crap elsewhere, and of course when (and if) I do that, I almost always use pen names because I dislike autograph hounds and there was that nasty bit with the harpoon and even though the law was clearly on my side, due to the Harpoon-Your-Ground laws, I still felt uncomfortable taking another's life when it was a visitor who just wanted to tell me in person what he though of my writing. Please, just leave reviews online, in a forum, perhaps, about cars or better still, compose and elaborate post on your own "Medium" account and collect your accolades.
Usually I write under the name and my birth title, The Duchess Ethel DeBarre Wilkes-Moschetti. It's a mouthful, isn't it? It can be shortened to DED Wilma. I love rap music more than anything in this world and I compose rap tunes and scratch things and shake my booty as DED Wilma. FYI.
Back to Barking Media. I also know how to edit words that are in fire (just testing!) need of editing. Again, never my own. My own words are known as my "voice." Your words are the ones in dire need of editing.
Any "content" I write for a client's site can be as dull as the client wants. I like a rotating banner of stock art over my dullest words, because then we are utilizing the visual and the robo-copy in tandem to enchant the reader and make the sale.
I do charge more if you need extra dullness in your content or copy writing for your project. The passive voice would be used. And there would be NO sense given at all as to what the site was about or what your project is, or what your business sells, or who you are. Four big circles. Utilizing the word utilize a lot. Explaining "[y]our radical new approach" in the most over-used bull-shitty words possible.
Surely by now you've noticed that this isn't YouTube. And that none of the "web copy" on this site makes much sense. The trend today is to make your copy reveal nothing, in as sterile and generic a "voice" as possible. Visitors love the reassuring utilization of larger words, more syllables, as study after study shows.
Let's see. What else about Barking Media? Well, I have decades in all aspects of the publishing and media industries. Reporter, author, kennel worker, coding nerd, ad writer, fired once from a moronic minimum wage job where Persians felt entitled to touch my hair.
My features have been featured. Oh yes. When it is COMPLETED, please have a look at my non-resume-resume for all the vague details you crave before hiring me. That's right. I do not offer a paper or e-resume. On purpose.
Do not ask for one. I have an anti-resume-resume. It will either intrigue you enough to contact me via email and go back and forth as you try to trust me and believe what I tell you, or it won't. If it doesn't, just leave and go utilize another writer or WordPress dork or get someone else to write your "humor column" for cheap.
Barking Media's mission statement is to ignore fads.
My formal education is formidable. Which is why I have no resume. It just makes people scared I will take their job. I DON'T WANT YOUR JOB.
I know it's from its. I did not study formal grammar and barely passed chemistry, so luckily I am rarely asked to write a YouTube comment, which at my hourly rate would be financially imprudent anyway.
Barking Media's entire 58-story HQ in NYC is now staffed entirely by people who like to mock pretentiousness and tight-waddery. Which is too a word. Are you interested in "alternative" outside the box creativity?
Do you have an interest in quality? And PAYING for it? Or do you think YOUR time and skills -- at whatever it is you do for a living -- are vastly superior to mine and anyone can put up a site and spell real GUD? If you do, nice of you to stop by.
True, I can't fix a water heater and I don't do roofing or practice medicine. But I am worth what people in professions. LIKE YOURS PAL, are worth, because what I do, I do well. I'm not a "recent grad" or "intern." I'm not a grandmother either.
It's been said recently that Barking Media is the primary blockage in the heart of the internet. That means a lot because there is a lot of competition out here. I would say it's a true honor. Wait 'til you see the AWARDS pages.
But what makes "us" stand out is that we openly lie about having the office tower in NYC. It's in the UK. And there is a satellite office in Bangladesh and in Paris. We are utilizing satellite technologies, all over the world, including the USA. Gone are the days when we had to meet a client face to face. Today we prefer email and the contact form. I'll let you in on a secret.
Psst. The phone number? It is *utilized* to eliminate potential clients who didn't read that we are all about remote work. We try to work for clients who love and use email, not the phone.
The phone sucks.
We have no use for meetings and endless discussions about vague ideas. What IS IT THAT YOU WANT FROM US?
CAN YOU PAY US?
GOOD! THEN PAY US TO GET STARTED.
I NO LONGER HOST SITES for friends or their businesses. It isn't appreciated. When people get something very valuable for free, it devalues everything. Especially ME.
So, just know that over the decades I've personally done more than my fair share of charity websites and writings and other helpful and overly-generous activities. I've planted trees and bought cookies, and BTW, Barking Media can provide, for PAYMENT UP FRONT of course, a hosting account for your internet website.
Are you a dog? Any kind, I mean? In that case Barking Media will considering working for you for free. Including writing and editing and making you a high-quality modern WordPress site.
If you're not a dog, and most of you are not because the stats under the hood show us everything about you and your browser, your location, and your family medical history, then you SHALL PAY a fair hourly rate or some other project-based rate, depending on factors and how annoying you are, for my decades of experience.
For my VALUABLE TIME.
Would I ask yoi to work for me for free? No. And yet you charge me $350, $500 an hour.
Now it's my turn. Before I die. Which is sooner rather than later based purely on odds and the latest headlines and some rashes and things I have that just confirm we should "utilize" email lest you become another victim when I cough open-mouthed upon you as has been done to me today by at least three strangers.
To reiterate. I WILL be paid -- and paid well -- for MY SKILLS. I know things you don't. And I dislike ingrates.
This is a business and I have to pay for MY business expenses. All my equipment and employees and fuel and food and the crying hungry children. All the time. I pay. And I paid. And I still pay. I use the best of everything. I know my shit. You need to stop being a tightwad. Or go think about what life is about. Or go think about fairness and karma.
As bluntly and non-marketing-savvy as I can be, I just want to make sure you know that I'm am honest, I'm a hardworking, highly intelligent chick. If you don't have money and aren't serious, go away and don't waste my time with the kicking tires thing.
Let's be friendly, but in email. And don't ask me for help in email disguising it as questions of a general nature. No one legitimate and honest asks, in a first email, "Why are my images not showing on my current site?" Or says "I am having trouble getting Google Analytics set up." And then I ask for your login creds and you look at ME with suspicion? Think about that. Who should be mistrusting? YOU HAVE NOT PAID ME A DIME YET. Where is the good faith money? I don't want to snoop around on your damned website! I have a million of my own.